How to improve your self-esteem:Build Your Confidence

CONFIDENCE CLUB

YOUR LIFE IS AN AMAZING adventure. Right now everything is changing so quickly for you. You might like different activities than you did when you were a little kid. Maybe you’ve changed schools or just have different friends now. You are certainly growing, which means your body is changing as well. All these things are exciting, but they can be a little scary, too. You need to value who you are to make the ups and downs of this time a smooth ride. The amount you value yourself is your self-esteem. If you believe that you can nail any activity you try and anyone who doesn’t want to be your friend is crazy, then you have high self-esteem. If you think you’re crummy in school, sports, and everything else in your life, then your self-esteem is low. Most people fall somewhere in between these two extremes. Wherever you land on this spectrum, you can always build your self-esteem. Let’s find out how.

GIVE YOUR SELF-ESTEEM SOME STEAM! 

SELF-ESTEEM IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE it affects everything you do. When you feel good about yourself and appreciated by others, it’s easier to make friends, try new activities, and push yourself to be a better student in school. This is different from being conceited. You don’t need to pretend you’re the greatest person in the world. That would be really phony. A healthy self-image actually comes from accepting who you are—just the way you are. Here are some ways to improve your self-esteem.

• Let lots of people into your life. Camp counselors, teachers, relatives, classmates, and neighbors make up your support network. Don’t forget friends who move away—pen pals are a terrific hobby. Keep the members of this network updated on what’s going on in your life. Their opinions, love, and guidance will come in handy one day. 
• Be helpful. Whether it’s carrying an elderly person’s groceries across the street or showing a new student around the school, helping out feels great. Making a difference in someone else’s life will definitely make one in your own. 
• Try new experiences. Are you a jock? Then give drama a try. At first it might be intimidating to experiment with a new activity, but soon enough you’ll find you’ve developed a host of new talents, skills, and friends! 
• Don’t try to be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s normal to worry about making them, but they are really lessons in disguise. So don’t let the fear of mistakes keep you from trying new things. When you learn how to ride a bike, every time you fall off you are teaching your body how to balance. If you keep getting back on the bike, eventually you can ride like the wind . . . or at least to your friend’s house. 
• Believe in yourself. Have faith that you can accomplish the goals you set for yourself. Make a plan for what you want to achieve and stick to it. You might not always end up where you thought you would, but you’ll be better for the journey. 
• Ask for help. There’s nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it. If you are stuck on a math problem, ask your friend the math whiz to explain it to you. You can learn from everybody in your life, not just your teachers. Your friends and family are a rich resource, so use them! 

BEAUTIFUL ATTITUDE 

BODY IMAGE IS THE MENTAL picture you have of your physical appearance. Does that sound confusing? Simply put, it’s what you see when you look at yourself. Your body is changing, and you may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed about these new physical developments. You may also feel bad that your friends are developing and you’re not. You have to remember everyone develops at a different pace. Remember, no matter your shape or size, you are beautiful and there are things to love about yourself.

The Ten Commandments of a Better Body Image 

• 1. Thou Shalt Not Criticize Thyself. When you concentrate on what you believe are your limitations or weaknesses, you give them a lot of energy. In turn, that gives them power. Take that energy and put it toward your assets. Start by writing down one thing you like about yourself every day. 
• 2. Thou Shalt Not Spend So Much Time at the Mirror. It’s fine to check yourself out (it’s especially a good idea to look in the mirror to make sure your shirt’s buttoned right). And if you love what you see, go ahead and keep gazing. But if staring at your reflection makes you self-conscious, quit it. You have more important things to do. 
• 3. Thou Shalt Not Worry About What Thou Can’t Change. There are some things you simply can’t change, like the color of your eyes or your height. So lamenting the fact that you aren’t taller, or that your feet are too big, is simply a waste of time. If what’s bothering you is in your control—like getting in shape—then start working on your goal instead of obsessing. 
• 4. Thou Shalt Surround Thyself with Supportive People. If you spend time with nice people who care about you and compliment you on areas that really matter, you will definitely feel better about everything—including your body. 
• 5. Thou Shalt Wear Comfortable Clothes. A dress can be the hottest trend in the world, worn by celebrities on the red carpet. Still, if it makes you feel awkward, take it off. There are plenty of fun styles to try, so don’t force yourself into clothes you don’t like. 
• 6. Thou Shalt Exercise. Moving your body relieves stress and helps you get physically stronger. Exercise isn’t about losing weight, it’s about being healthier. When you get in shape, you’ll feel great. 
• 7. Thou Shalt Not Weigh Thyself More than Once a Week. If your physician says your weight is healthy for your height and age, then believe the doctor and move on. Worrying about the number on the scale is not as important as maintaining a healthy lifestyle. 
• 8. Thou Shalt Look at Others the Way You Would Like Others to Look at You. Don’t be overly critical of people’s appearances. That means you shouldn’t make fun of people for being tall or short, or wearing last season’s shirt. If you judge people by how they look on the outside, you may miss a lot of great stuff inside. 
• 9. Thou Shalt Not Compare Thyself to Others. Your best friend might have beautiful gray eyes, while yours are a deep shade of brown. Everyone is unique, and your beauty is all your own. So size yourself up by your own set of measurements. 
• 10. Thou Shalt Respect Thy Body. Eat well, exercise, and get enough sleep. If you treat your body like the precious instrument it is, it will allow you to make beautiful music throughout your life. 

Mirror, Mirror, on the Wall 

IF YOU STUDIED YOUR COMMANDMENTS, you already know it’s important to limit the time you spend gazing into the looking glass. But staring at yourself in the mirror can be a tool for a better body image if you do it the right way. People think they need to change their body to feel good about themselves—not so. They need to change how they see themselves. By age thirteen, 53 percent of American girls are “unhappy with their bodies.” This percentage grows to 78 percent by the time girls reach seventeen. But you can beat this statistic if you follow the better body commandments. Here’s how:

• 1. When you look in the mirror and think something cricitcal, such as “My nose is too big,” immediately make yourself find one thing you like. It could be as small as your pinkie nail or as big as your smile. 
• 2. Once you find what you like about yourself, say it out loud into the mirror three times. Get louder each time you repeat the sentence. 
• 3. Try to find new things you like about your body each time you look. Soon you’ll have so many choices, you won’t know which sentence to say first. 

IMPROVISE! 

IMPROV, SHORT FOR “IMPROVISATION,” IS a form of theater in which the actors don’t read off a script or follow any form of stage direction. They just say and do whatever comes to mind. Improve isn’t limited to actors, however. People in all walks of life use improve to become better public speakers and improve their confidence. Not only that, but improve is also a lot of fun. Grab a friend and give these popular exercises a try.

• Freeze Tag 

• THIS EXERCISE IS ALL ABOUT body movement. It works best with groups of people. Person A starts by miming an activity, say playing tennis. When someone calls “Freeze!” Person A comes to a complete stop. Person B starts miming a new activity based on the frozen position of Person A. Maybe Person B decides to be washing a window. Someone calls “Freeze!” and Person C jumps in, and the cycle continues. 

• Yes, And 

• IN THIS EXERCISE, YOU LEARN to think fast. You and a friend have a conversation. The only rule is you have to start each sentence with “Yes, and.” For example, you might say, “I like your backpack.” Your friend responds, “Yes, and it’s filled with money!” Then you respond, “Yes, and money is good for buying clothes.” And so on. See how long you can keep it up without breaking into hysterics. 

• Photograph 

• THIS EXERCISE TEACHES YOU HOW to work with a group. It starts with one person freezing in a position. One by one, others join in to make a photograph. When the last person joins in, the group decides what’s happening in the photo and what each person is doing. Maybe it’s a straightforward family photo, with mom, dad, son, daughter, and dog. Or it could be more abstract, like a photo of a forest or other scene from nature. 

YOU CAN SOMETIMES BE YOUR OWN BEST FRIEND 

FRIENDS CAN’T ALWAYS PLAY IN the park. Your mom can’t always drive you to the mall and go shopping. Sometimes you find yourself alone—and that’s okay. Alone time should be a great time. It’s actually a gift. When you are alone, you can do whatever you want. Well, almost. Check out the alone time dos and don’ts to see if you’re making the most of it!

• Do! 

• • Go anyplace else you would go with a friend. Just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy activities you usually do with other people. The experience will be different, but you will still have fun. 
• • Pamper yourself. Get a pedicure or take a long bath. 
• • Take a long walk. Accompanied by your own thoughts, this is a terrific way to get some exercise and catch up with yourself. 

• Don’t! 

• • Pitch a fit. Don’t get angry with your family or friends who might have canceled plans with you. 
• • Plop on the couch for a TV marathon. Being alone isn’t an excuse to zone out for countless hours. 
• • Dial yourself into a frenzy. You don’t need to call everyone on your cell phone to pass the time. Hang up that phone and start a conversation with one of the coolest people you know—you! 

SPEAK UP! 

YOU ARE SO PASSIONATE ABOUT so many subjects. Why not share your passions with the world? There are many ways to express yourself—fashion, friends, schoolwork, and sports are just a few. Another wonderful way is straight talk. Sounds simple, right? Not always. You and your friends go to a movie, and everyone hates it except you! You loved it. Do you speak up and share your opinion, or do you keep it to yourself because you don’t want to be different from the group?
⇁ Getting things off your chest is crucial to feeling good about yourself. Even if you are naturally shy, talking to others about your true emotions isn’t important only for your self-esteem. It also helps build strong relationships with the people around you. You can practice what you want to say before you say it. That way, if you get nervous, which is totally normal, you will have already worked on your ideas.
⇁ It’s also important to talk in class. You are smart, but you need to show that to your teacher and classmates. Nobody will know you have the answers if you keep them to yourself. If this doesn’t come naturally to you, it will be pretty hard at first. But the more you do speak up, the easier it will get. Challenge yourself to speak in class or to someone new each day. It’s time to get talking!

Talk Helps and Hurts 

WHEN YOU TALK, YOU CAN’T see words, but you can definitely feel them. Especially when they hurt. There’s a saying, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Who said that? Name-calling does hurt. When you’re angry, you might be tempted to say mean things. But if you call someone stupid, fat, ugly, or any other kind of terrible word, it will stick with them, and you, for a long, long time. So beware of words. They are strong stuff.
→ Gossip is another land mine you should avoid. It can seem like fun to be part of a bunch huddled together, whispering secrets during recess. Think about how it would feel if you were the subject of the gossip being spread. Doesn’t sound so great anymore, huh? Basically, if you wouldn’t want it said about you, don’t say it about others. Politely excuse yourself from the gossip group—you don’t have to say why if you’re embarrassed—and go do something more fun.

How to Ask for What You Want and Get It . . . Sometimes 

LEARNING TO USE YOUR VOICE to stand up for yourself is important to being happy. But even adults struggle with finding the courage to ask for what they want. It’s totally understandable to feel jumpy inside when asking for a raise in your allowance or for a big favor from a friend. To make the conversation go a little smoother, try out the tips below. Whether or not you get what you asked for, going for what you want will make you feel better. Promise.

See Eye-to-Eye 

• Making eye contact is step number one. Looking someone in the eye is a big sign that you are confident and believe in what you are saying. It’s also a chance to make a real connection with the person you hope will give you what you want! 

Smile 

• Oh yeah, that again. Smiling never hurts. Don’t be fake, but a warm smile will put everyone in the discussion at ease. 

Body Language 

• Your body says as much as your words. Even if you are really nervous as you approach the conversation, fake confidence by standing straight with your shoulders back. Don’t hunch over, since it’s a sign that you don’t feel worthy of your request. And don’t cross your arms, which looks like you are ready for a fight. 

No Crybabies 

• Don’t whine for what you want. You’ll get a lot more sympathy for your cause if you simply state your wishes. And don’t complain if things don’t go your way. Instead, try to understand the other person’s argument by listening. You might find a compromise, and you’ll definitely be more convincing if you decide to ask again later. 

Practice Makes Perfect 

• If you have something really hard to ask, you might want to first write down your thoughts on a piece of paper. What do you want to say? What are you trying to achieve? Once you have a clear idea, grab a friend or parent and practice what you want to say out loud. You might stutter or stammer at first, but the more you repeat your request, the easier it will become to say it straight. 

Never Say You’re Sorry 

• Ever heard someone say, “I’m sorry, but can I ask you a question?” You don’t need to apologize. Just ask! It’s perfectly fine wherever you are—at home, at school, or with your friends. So go ahead and ask away. 

LET’S MAKE A DEAL 

NEGOTIATING ISN’T JUST SOMETHING your mom and dad do when they want a raise at work. You need to learn to put this important tool to work in your life at home and school! Negotiating is a process where two different people talk until they come to an agreement where you both feel like you won. Let’s not waste another second! Here are some tips to help you negotiate.

• 1. Know what you want. This might sound simple, but Amy says, “This is the hardest part of the process, because you really have to think about what would make you happy.” Do you really want that new shirt? Or if you consider the situation, do you find yourself asking for one item every month? Maybe this means you really want a raise in your allowance so you can manage how you spend your money. Make sure you have your true end goal in sight. 
• 2. Think very hard about what the other person wants. This isn’t easy either. You need to get inside the brain of the person you are negotiating with—what could you give them in return? “You’ll be in a position of power if you can anticipate what they are going to want,” Amy explains. In the example of your raise in allowance, perhaps you know that your parents really want you to babysit your little sister. That’s a start. 
• 3. Know what you are willing to give up. “And always ask for more than you want,” Amy counsels. Here’s where you seal the deal: So you want a raise in your allowance and know your parents want you to babysit. You would be willing to babysit every other week for that extra cash, so you offer to babysit once a month. They say, “No way!” and ask you to sit for your sister once a week. You meet them in the middle and agree to every other week. Your original goal! You get your money, your parents get a sitter, and your sister has an awesome role model. Like Amy says, everybody wins. 

FAMILY AFFAIR 

GOOD COMMUNICATION STARTS at home, and it can start with you! Take a leadership role by organizing monthly meetings with your family to keep talk open, honest, and current.

• Get it on the calendar: The first step, and the hardest for most families, is finding a date and time when everyone can meet. Once you find one that works for everyone, mark it on a wall calendar. Make the meeting place around the dinner table, or any space where the entire gang will feel comfortable. 
• Listen up: The family meeting isn’t a solo performance. Let other people finish what they are saying without interrupting. Be interested in what others are talking about. It’s especially nice to ask about events that have happened, like how your mom’s big meeting went or if your brother aced his math exam. Your attention means a lot to everyone, even your folks! 
• Grown-up behavior: If you are mature enough to start these meetings, then you have to be mature enough to participate in a grown-up way. Your sister might say something hurtful—that can happen when people are speaking about deep and true feelings. When that happens—and it will if everyone is honest— don’t immediately react. That means don’t scream, throw chairs, or have a fit, even though you probably feel like you want to. Take a deep breath, or three, and hear your family member out. Then it will be your turn to vent. And it may sound silly, but your posture can affect the way your family reacts to what you have to say. Sit up straight, and you’ll see how much easier it is to speak with confidence—and get everyone to listen! 

NO REJECTS ALLOWED 

IT FEELS TERRIBLE TO HEAR the word “no.” It stinks when you’re not invited to a party. Your stomach takes a tumble when you learn you didn’t make the team. Unless you are living in a cave, rejection is an ordinary part of life. No one is saying it’s easy to take. But if you are going to take risks, you have to be ready for a little rejection.
→The key to dealing with rejection is not to take it personally. What? You’re thinking, “But it is personal.” If you don’t get picked for a part in the school play or a guy you like asks someone else to the school dance, it’s not about you. A lot goes into any decision, and many things are out of your control. Maybe that boy doesn’t know you like him. Maybe the drama teacher gave the part to someone who has helped out with the props. Maybe neither the play nor the boy is right for you. 
→What is in your control is your attitude. You can find another boy, audition for another play. Winners try and try again.

CRITICAL APPROACH 

IT’S NOT EASY TO TAKE criticism. Nobody likes to hear how they could have written a school assignment more clearly or could have done a better job making their bed. But none of us is perfect, so getting a little criticism is a way to improve. It’s like turning lemons into lemonade. There are a few ways to make the giving and getting of advice a lot easier to take.

The Three Be’s of Offering Criticism 

• 1. Be nice. For any conversation where you want to offer some criticism, start with something positive. If your best friend is making you sad because she’s been spending more time with new friends than with you, tell her how much you love her and miss hanging out with her. Remind her of some fun times you’ve had together. That will work a lot better than if you accuse her of being a jerk for ignoring you. 
• 2. Be upbeat. Don’t scold, nag, or whine. When you have a good attitude, acting warm and open, you will put the other person at ease. Smile and look directly at the person you are talking to. 
• 3. Be part of the solution. Offer some practical ways to fix the issue. Don’t put it all on the other person. You should make an effort as well. For that friend who has grown apart, you could suggest a few fun and new activities to do that would mean spending time together in a great way. 

The Three Don’ts for Getting Criticism 

• 1. Don’t protest. If someone you care about has taken the trouble to give you feedback, you should assume there is truth to what they are saying. Don’t fight or try to deny it. If someone had the courage to confront you, listen and see if you can understand what she’s talking about. 
• 2. Don’t be closed-minded. You aren’t always going to agree with someone else’s ideas. In the end, you have to be happy with your beliefs and behavior. But let’s say a teammate tells you that you hog the soccer ball on the field, and you don’t believe her. Try gently asking some other teammates to find out what they think. If a few agree, it’s safe to say you’re probably a ball hog. 
• 3. Don’t get stuck in your ways. You are great just the way you are, but that doesn’t mean you can’t learn new skills and insights. Criticism is a chance to do things differently. Take that chance and find out where trying something different takes you.